Posted by: foodtalker | August 7, 2010

humans apeing humans

It’s hard to believe what some people do for a living or even how they find their jobs.  For example, last week I read an article about a highly regarded Canadian scientist and psychology professor who makes her daily crust measuring levels of male and female sexual arousal.  Now where is this position to be found in the classifieds? 

In order to do this, one of the study phases involves showing groups of us regular humans, whilst hooked up to some sophisticated “sexometer”, (attached or inserted as appropriate), film footage of bonobo apes in the act of mating.  Primate erotica.   This is definitely a professional option that never had an information booth at any of the career fairs they offered when I went to school.  

Frustratingly though, it seems that bonobos are somewhat silent during sex.  The females make sort of a chirpy little sound and “appear” to give a pleasure grin, but other than that, the accompanying sounds are rather dull.  So much so, that for the purposes of human application it’s been necessary to dub into the video some animated chimpanzee hootings and screechings to spice things up.   We apparently need accompanying noises to be stimulated and convinced. 

But, maybe instead of enlightening ourselves we should learn from this charming endangered species of pygmy chimpanzees where the females run the show, and they’ve figured out a way to live without violence.  In tense situations, rather than fight over food, they refer to the kama sutra and then afterwards are inclined and quite happy to share their banana.    

Another unique niche vocation has been found by a group of gerontologist researchers in Germany, and I’m pretty sure I never saw any literature on this either when considering my future path.  

In their attempt to discover groundbreaking practices for increasing a healthy life expectancy, they’ve been staring at women’s breasts for five years.  Well, I am presuming not nonstop.   The study involved 200 healthy men who “volunteered”.  Half of this group was instructed to carry on as usual and ogle women’s breasts on a daily basis whilst the other half were told to refrain from doing so.  Bummer if you pulled the short straw.  Five years!  I wonder if they kept any data on those who cheated? 

Surprisingly, the study closed concluding that gawking at women’s breasts is a healthy practice.  That men who stared at the breasts of females on a regular basis exhibited lower blood pressure and therefore reduced the likelihood of any coronary artery disease.  Apparently just ten minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly the equivalent to a  30-minute aerobics work-out.  So save yourself the sweat and the cardio exertions is my thought, and enjoy these health benefits from the comfort of your La-Z-Boy at home.   

The study went on to recommend that men over 40 needed to gaze at larger breasts daily for ten minutes in order to experience the same health benefits.  There weren’t any implementation suggestions though, so maybe a new career path has opened up, as ten minutes of boob staring for most women is a little over the top when it comes to tolerance.  

But then again, who knows, in the light of these seminal discoveries, we might find it in our hearts to be a little less critical of the fascination.  And men, of course, now have the perfect excuse.


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